My Middle-School Child

I came across this text and I thought it was too good not to share. Having a daughter in that age right now, I feel that I many times have to do a better job as a parent to respect her choices and respect her opinions and not treat her not just as my child, but as a girl growing up to a wonderful person. I will let her read this, and I'm pretty sure that I'll get a lot of nodding and a lot of smiles with statements like - "That's right mamma, that's exactly how I feel sometimes..." I'll promise you this, I'll try my very best sweetie - sometimes I get caught up in "mom mood" and things needs to be taken care of right now..remind me to do better! You are not just my child, you are a wonderful beautiful person inside and out!!!

1. Respect me. I'm my own person, not just your kid. Sometimes I might have opinions that differ from yours. Sometimes I just want to be your baby. Respect me either way.

2. I still want to have fun with you, and feel like home is safe and happy. Smile at me.

3. I need to make some of my own choices, and maybe some of my own mistakes. Don't do my work for me or get me out of every jam. You don't need to be better than me at everything. Don't condescend; you don't need to impart your elderly wisdom on me if I have a problem. Please wait for me to ask for your help. If I don't ask for it, I might want to work it out for myself. Let me rant without offering advice. Sometimes that's all I really need, just to talk my way through something and for you to just listen to me.

4. Sometimes I'm going to be moody and annoyed and frustrated. You need to just let that happen (though you shouldn't let me be rude to you; that's weird and embarrassing). It might just be a mood or something might be going on that I'm not ready to talk about yet. If you hang around doing stuff near me and don't interrupt or try to solve it as soon as I start, I might feel comfortable talking with you about things.

5. Trust that I'll do my work. If I don't, you can help me manage my time, but wait until I'm not taking care of responsibilities to think I can't. Don't just assume I can't handle responsibility because of my age. Believe in me.

6. It feels really good when you ask me to teach you about what I'm learning or what I'm good at. You don't have to be awesome at computer programming to let me teach you some cool stuff, for instance. I have to be a beginner constantly. Show me it's OK to stay relaxed and present when you are struggling to learn something.

7. I don't like the drama either, and it surprises me as much as it does you. You think it's rough having this alien lunatic in your house? Try having it in your body, and you can't even get away.

8. If you don't like my friends, it feels like you don't trust my judgment or like I am stupid about choosing friends. Or both. Ask me what I like about them, or what we have fun doing together, or just to tell you about a new friend. Stay open-minded. Still, if you think my friends are being bad to me, I need you on my side that much more.

9. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed and need to zone out for a while. I am not becoming a slug and will not stay in my room staring at a screen for the rest of my life. Maybe just for the rest of the afternoon.

10. I will fight you every step of the way if you make me do stuff I don't want to do (get some exercise, do my homework, write a thank-you note, practice piano, apologize to my sister, take a shower, wear deodorant... so many things), but you should probably make me do them anyway. I know I will feel better if I sweat and shower each day, and develop my study skills, and show up tomorrow prepared, and, and, and. I know! But please don't overwhelm me. I might not be able to do what I should right away. I might need reminders, later, which will annoy me completely. Remind me anyway.

11. Explain why I'm being criticized or punished. It feels scary if I don't understand anything beyond that you are mad at me. And sometimes what I need more than a scolding is a hug or a cuddle. Especially when I am more porcupine than puppy.

12. I need to have private jokes with my friends and not explain them to you. It's how we bond. You don't need to be involved in every aspect of my life to still be loved and needed by me.

13. If my social life gets to be too much, I may need you to force a little vacation from it on me. But most of time what I need is to work through how to navigate life online and with peers. Now is my chance to learn how to deal, with your help. Just shutting it down keeps me from learning how to build my life online with scaffolding provided by you. Stay calm and cool, let me explain what's going on, and talk things through with me. Ask more, tell less.

14. Especially if I've been feeling stressed, maybe you could just hang out with me. Go to the park or get an ice cream or have a catch, whatever; it feels good to just do something together without discussing or solving or teaching anything.

15. I like it when you think I'm funny. Or interesting. Or awesome. I actually do care what you think about me. Please find something specific you actually like about me because sometimes I can't find anything in myself to like at all. I might roll my eyes, but your words and judgments do matter to me, and I will remember them, the good and the bad. I will keep them with me like treasures even when I lose my keys and wallet and ID. Which I probably will. More than once. Sorry.

I found this text here:

15-things-your-middle-school-kid-wishes-you-knew

Don't Leave Your Child In A Hot Car

It happened in Sweden a couple of days ago, something that luckily is rare there, but unfortunately something that happens yearly here in the US. I read some statistics, and they show that around 30-40 children each year die of heat stroke from being inside a hot car. Sometimes forgotten, sometimes left unattended for a few minutes that turned out longer than expected, sometimes being trapped while playing and getting trapped inside the car. 

We all think - it could never happen to me. I would never forget my child in the car. That it must be terrible parents/caregivers that would do such a thing. Well, the history shows that it's often not at all the case. That cases of alcohol/drugs are very rare, and that other factors have played a roll. This article and true story about a case is very touching and explains how such a tragic thing could happen:

It could happen to anyone...

If you have a change in your routine, if you normally don't take the child to the caregiver, if you normally don't have the child with you, make sure you remind yourself before it's too late. These tragic incidents could all have been prevented! Here are some tip to follow:

How to Avoid a Hot-Car Tragedy

First and foremost, always put your cell phone, purse, or briefcase, and anything else you'll need that day, on the floor of the backseat. When you retrieve it at the end of the ride, you'll notice your child.

Seat your younger (or quieter) child behind the front passenger seat, where he's most likely to catch your eye. Parks', Balfour's, and Edwards' babies all were behind the driver's side when they died.

Keep a teddy bear or other stuffed animal in the car seat when it's empty. When you put your child in the seat, move the animal to the front passenger seat, to remind you that your baby's on board.

Ask your child's baby sitter or day care provider to always phone you promptly if your child isn't dropped off as scheduled.

Make a habit of always opening the back door of your car after you park, to check that there's no kid back there.

Never assume someone else -- a spouse, an older child -- has taken a young kid out of her seat. Such miscommunication has led to more than a few hot-car deaths.

Invest in a device to help you remember small passengers. The Cars-N-Kids monitor plays a lullaby when the car stops and a child is in the seat ($29.95). The ChildMinder System sounds an alarm if you walk away and leave your child in the seat ($69.95).

Put visual cues in your office and home. Static-cling decals reminding you to check the car seat are available at Emmasinspirations.com and Kidsandcars.org.

Living in a desert climate where we have 100F and above most of the year, you see that it only take 5-10 minutes for the inside car to reach temperatures over 120 degrees. Depending on the car's interior color, the color the child is wearing, if in direct sunlight or not, depending on when the child last had a drink it's different how long it takes but 30 minutes in that hot car would most likely be deadly with the temperatures that we have. Scary to say the least!!

Something that I we have started here at home now when the kids are older and are able to open the door to the garage, is to always look the cars. Even inside the garage. To make sure that they don't get inside the cars to play and to close it and become trapped. It's not always kids that are left in a car seat that die inside a hot car, sometimes the kids have been playing and been trapped in the car or trunk. I read somewhere: If your child is missing in your home: 1. Check your pool. 2. Check your car plus trunk. Worth to keep in mind.

Hopefully this subject will be talked about, I wish that more people would put a sticker like the one above "Beat the heat - Check the Back Seat!" on their steering wheel. They certainly would save more lives than all these 'show off stickers" like the ones "baby on board" in the back of the cars. Those don't remind you when you leave your sleeping child behind in the car..

Hopefully more people take more precaution and that people in Sweden too now understand that this is possible there too, these things can happen there too, not just in very hot climates.

Hopefully this year will be the year where less children will suffer from this cruel, terrible death.

Parenting With A Wooden Spoon

When I took the kids to Toddler time last time, something very unusual and very uncomfortable (to me) happened. To tell you the truth, I was pretty chocked and speechless!

From time to time, there is an older lady ( I guess the boy's grandma) who takes this boy around 3-4 years old to the class. He is VERY energetic, (read jumping around disturbing class-pulling and pushing on other kids-loudly start any mischief that he possibly could..) and this woman always have a hard time controlling him, hardly tells him off and when she does, he doesn't listen at all anyway. Totally disrespects her and is plain rude at times. You can tell that this woman is at her wits end with this boy, and after apologizing to most parents every time that he pushed someone, I understand that it must be a tough situation that she's in.

I don't know the circumstances to their situation at all, but the boy needs interaction from other kids, and he surely needs to learn social skills!!

BUT, guess if I was bluntly surprised when on Wednesday, the woman pulls something out of her handbag - the for many kids dreaded wooden spoon!! I didn't know what to think, she whacked him with it once on his behind, and was threatening him with it and put it next to her on the carpet. He didn't bother at all! I guess he is used to it and only laughed and didn't listen more because of it. Rather the opposite and now ran around even more to get away from the woman.

An uncomfortable situation for me if not for everyone, and nobody said anything, and as a person who is against spanking and maybe typically Swedish in my thoughts about this, it's hard to watch and to know what to do or say in a situation like this. Some of the other moms probably didn't blink because they didn't think anything was wrong with it, or who knows, there might be more wooden spoons in their handbags?

As we all know, here in the US and in many other countries, it's "normal" for many to spank, or to hit your child as discipline. This is still "legal" even if child abuse isn't but where and who is certified to draw that line?

A picture tells more than thousands words...

Kate Gosselin - famous reality star in the US, Kate plus 8, made some headlines with this picture some years ago..After lots of reports and loose rumors about that she was hitting her children, especially with a wooden spoon. A photagrapher captured this picture of her with her kids. I don't think she'd be using this wooden spoon in the car for a lot of cooking...

This is something that often is a total culture chock to someone like me, not being born here and something that it's hard to discuss and talk to many Americans about. Many are very narrow minded and think that "their right to discipline their children the way they want and see fit, is nobody's business.."

There is obviously a lot that could be said in this subject, and I'm curious how you especially other expats, react to this way of parenting. Do you end up in endless discussions or do you choose not to talk about this with your American friends? How have you solved this issue if you had an issue with it in your own family? With a husband/partner from a different culture?

I also think that in Sweden for instance, things are getting crazy the other way around this and that the kids sometimes can do whatever they want, because if the parents as much as take a firm grip around their arm to put them into their room when they have misbehaved, it can be classified as child abuse and then that parent is marked for the rest of his/her life.

It's the child's feelings on how he felt abused that is brought forward and if someone in school ask too many questions and if the child maybe is upset with the parents that day, the child might tell the teacher/school nurse etc that he is getting abused at home. Social services are called in and terrible consequences could occur for the family, where actually no abuse has been going on, but the child's feelings are put into a different light and the judge and police tries to do good by the child instead of listening to the parents. It's happening, and that is a scandal. 

Obviously, it's good that people are observant on what kids say or do, and it should be investigated, but it's not always right. Sometimes the child likes to get that attention or even think it's cool to be questioned by the police. Does the police explain to the child in a way that the child understand, that he has to tell the truth? That if he tells lies or make something up, make a big thing out of a very small thing, that it can lead to that parent will in the worst case scenario, be taken away from the child to go to jail? That the family will suffer, loose income, maybe loose a house and a home, and that it' not easy to undo things that are done? They should!

It's not only a problem in Sweden with parenting in the families, but the lack of respect in schools and for others is something that as it seems to me, is getting worse. But teachers are even worse off than parents, they can probably not even raise their voice without being scared of being to hard on the child. It's hard to find a middle way. A way that would work everywhere. Still, my personal thoughts are that it's ALWAYS the parents that should parent and be responsible for a child's behavior. I don't think it ever should be the teachers problem when a child doesn't listen. Get parents involved, get results. Make it happen. Many times it seems that both parents and teachers are tiptoeing around the children not wanting to upset them, and the respect is long gone. Not always, not everywhere, but you do hear about it all the time.

In our family, there will be consequences for bad behavior. Mostly that means Time-Outs, no dessert, no TV time or other privileges (something that the child really likes always works the best, favorite toy, etc) taken away. For instance, if one of the twins behave badly around the nightly routines, not wanting to get into the bathtub (or getting out) and all that, I tell them that they can't have a story that night. That the one out that are ready first, gets to choose the first book (depending on behavior only book) etc.

The hard thing is as always and where I many times (as probably most parents) "fail" is to stick to it!! It's easy to wave it away and let the child have it's way, especially when it's a "quick fix" to get them quiet when they want something. It's easier to just let them, than to take the fight, even if you actually said no the first time. Here at home, it's especially difficult as my husband is sleeping during the day, and which means that I have to try to keep them somewhat quiet and can't take these loud confrontations all the time. That just wouldn't be possible. But of course one always should stick to it, but sometimes you also have to "pick your fights"..

ONE thing I can tell you is that it's totally different parenting twins than only one child in the same age. Even if siblings fight and when they are close in age they have similar needs and wants, but when you have twins it's always "double trouble" and they want the same things, have the same needs, have the same interests, and they fight about everything all the time. 

It's not easy to parent, as any parent can agree on. You always wonder if you too hard on them, if you are doing the right thing, if you are a good mom. These thoughts bother me all the time. Do I make them happy? Do they laugh enough every day? Do they feel happy, loved and secure every day? Will they grow up to be responsible, caring and loving people? Will they be good citizens? Will they know right from wrong? It's our responsibility as parents to teach them, but it's not always easy.

When I only had Cassie and she was in that age, it was so easy!! Sure, she always have been a sweet "easy" child, but still of course she tried to push her boundaries or tried to find out where they were, just like any healthy child should! BUT, if she misbehaved, I normally only had to say "Cassie - and give her the look" and she'd listen! The twins are NOT there yet...:) But, I didn't keep a wooden spoon in my handbag when I was out and about with her - and you wouldn't find any wooden spoons in my handbag nowadays either!

The only wooden spoons in this household - are for cooking, used the way  a wooden spoon SHOULD be used - if you ask me!

But now I'm very curious - what are YOUR thoughts about this?

Toddler Rules

Happy Kids - Happy Mommy!!

Happy Monday everyone!! This is how happy we were this morning after all three of us slept through the night! That was a wonderful way of starting a new month, and even if the pictures are very poor quality (not the easiest to take pictures with two jumping little snuggle bugs in your lap), I love them. That it's still early and I haven't even been to the shower, found a hairbrush or any kind of makeup yet - I don't care. We were happy!

What a wonderful way to start the day, lots of love and kisses from the kids! Cassie had gotten her share from us three before going off to the school bus. If this is how happy and rested and in a good mood my kids are after a nights good sleep - I can only hope that it will continue! If they keep it up and I get to catch up months (years..) of missing sleep, I might even loose the dark circles under my eyes!

Thoughts..

I wish it would be that simple. That easy. It's a wonderful saying and it should be like that. It's not that easy though..

Unfortunately, you can't just tell them that it doesn't matter. You don't have to be rich (even if that always would make things/life easier - not necessarily happier, but certainly easier), but if you don't have enough and can't pay your bills, can't pay your rent, can't put food on the table for your family and provide everything else that is more or less necessary - it's not going to be easy to be happy either...

I teach my children that price does matter. It matters in the sense that it doesn't have to be the most expensive choice. Look for sales, marked down prices and to buy store brands of certain things instead of paying dollars for a special label.

I teach Cassie (and will do the same with the twins when they get older) that a no name brand pair of jeans can be just as good (if not sometimes better) as a brand name. I don't think that "just because everyone else has this or that" we have to get it. I buy a lot of clothes and toys second hand for my children. I buy a lot of clothes on sale. If they are selling out kids clothes in odd sizes, and there is something that we might need but if they don't have their right size, I buy it in a size up, as they eventually will grow into it. I let Cassie help me with garage sales so that she can be part of the process of cleaning out old and selling it, but still get a little something for it.

I teach her to be cautions with the money. To save for the future. I get her to see and be involved when buy more expensive items, so that she can learn that you need to look around, compare, do your research, don't just buy the first best thing. It might turn out to be the worst thing, just because you didn't take the time to compare.

There are so many things that I wish to show them, to prepare them, to guide them and to help them make it easier for themselves in their future. Not letting them stand alone in life not knowing what to do. Sure, you have to let go sometime, but that day, I hope that we will have such a strong bond with our children that they still always will turn to us for advise and guidance.

As a parent I couldn't think of anything worse than not having that bond with my kids, young or old. To always have my children's love, trust and respect - and to show them that they have mine and that I'm there for them no matter what - is my ultimate goal with parenting my children. Only time will tell if I'll succeed.

 Cassandra, Benjamin and Isabella:

Colors

Sometimes you have to get a little creative when you have two two year old's at home and you have to keep them occupied inside due to the hot weather. This summer we have worked a lot on colors, and they are really doing great. They both can name pretty much all the colors, Isabella is better at saying the words, but we have pink, purple, blue, red, green down without problems. Then we sometimes know yellow and white. Black, grey and orange are the hardest ones so far. But with a lot of coloring and toy sorting they soon will have no problems in naming them all!

Another game with this is that you can say when it's clean up time that pick up all the red toys first...then all the blue cars and so on. The kids think it's fun and learning by doing cleaning is a good way don't you think!? Now they only have to learn them in Swedish too..

Potty Training

Something that has taken up much time of the days here since end of July when we came back from vacation, is potty training. I introduced the pottys around their birthday in May, and Isabella was fast to catch on to it, and have been going very frequent on the potty. Not telling us when to go, but mostly going when I've been telling her she has to try. But I had the pull up diapers on all the time anyway to avoid accidents on the carpets.

Benjamin on the other hand, has been totally uninterested in the potty. Here and there he's been trying to go to, but never really had a success, but after two minutes saying that he was done, but potty was empty. I haven't been pushing him either, as forcing something like this never works and I knew that when he was ready he'll let me know. Anyway, the last two weeks have been very busy, I haven't really had anything going on during the days and had the time to really get into potty training with them. Chris working days has helped too, being on a "normal" routine in the house and letting them run around without having to tip toe around not waking daddy up.

To keep them interested to stay on a little bit longer, we have lots of  books available, and I'm so glad for our many trips to the library this summer and even if the kids always have been into books and wanted to read and look in them since they were very young, they now take part in picking out books there and they love it. To be able to choose the ones that they want - I'm here also very happy for our local library that has an excellent toddler section with board books and have made it very kid friendly putting the books into plastic bins instead neatly put up on the shelves. This of course makes it so much easier for the kids to sit down, look through a bin and pick out the books that they like.

Reading, reading and more reading!

Tigers, Trucks and Tractors....

...and some books with cats of course!

Posing on the potty - totally manageable!

No diapers- showing off her cat panties!!

After so much training and trying, I knew that it wouldn't take long for success to come along. More about their individual success in posts about just them personally. One keyword to success - patience!!

Biting

Thankfully, this day started off better than yesterday. Benjamin has developed a new thing, to bite as soon as he doesn't get his way or when they are fighting about a toy or what ever it might be. Normally I have always been able to catch him in the moment and prevent any accidents, but yesterday he did bite poor Isabella really bad on her back.

The kids were in Benjamin's room, we were taking out clothes to wear and I had just stepped out of the room to get Isabella some clothes from her wardrobe in her room, and then I hear them fighting over something. A second later a big scream! Isabella was crying really bad, Benjamin looked guilty and after quickly taking off her pj's to see if he had just pushed her or actually find a bite mark, I did find this on her back! Luckily that there was a layer of fabric in between, otherwise it might even have gone through the skin. I got so mad and got loud telling him/them both that you cannot bite! We sat down to comfort Isabella together me and Ben and he was sorry, you could see that he was serious and concerned about it. When everyone had calmed down (mommy included) we talked about it and I did feel really good about how they understood, or at least seemed to do so.

I told them in simple words that No biting, we cannot bite, biting hurts, biting makes bobos, bobos hurt, bobos a not good. Well,  you get the idea! I showed Ben that we have to touch gentle and kiss bobo away and be nice. He did and gave her a big hug. Isabella that is a little bit more verbal said over and over again, "Ben bobo me!" "Ben bobo me!" "Bobo NO NO NO!"

Later during the day, we did go back to look at the mark and talked about the bobo. I asked them, do we bite? Do we push? Do we make bobos? No- No- No was their answers...! I think that because they actually could see the bobo - the big bitemark, it was easier to understand that he actually did hurt her, instead of when they have pushed eachother and there is "no mark" so to say. Easier to understand when you have something in front of you to refer to, so I took advantage of this yesterday. I also let them tell Chris over Skype and Isabella kept repeating, Ben bobo Me!

Hopefully this is not something that will continue and I hope that I can show them that we don't do this. To make them understand is the whole point. Punishment or telling them that they are bad does not solve the problem. I must admit that I have said Bad boy! Bad girl! But I do know that that's not optional. The child is never bad. The child did a bad thing! So you should say something like That was a bad thing to do! But when they are so young, two word sentences are easier to follow, and Bad Boy or Bad Girl seem to work...But I will try to think about this and say Not good instead!

I know that especially biting is a phase that kids go through and some more than others. Mostly around this age of 2, because they are frustrated and because that they can't communicate that feeling and to say no I had that car first, and instead to talk about it, they bite, push or hit. I also did see this a lot working in daycare in Sweden.

Biting from kids can also be a way of showing affection, and Ben has done that a few times before. That there is a situation when he comes and wants to hug you so tight and then gets all excited and bites. Cassie got a bite on her chest a while back while they were hugging. Luckily that hasn't happened too much, I've gotten bit by him too in this way, but choose not to make a big thing about the biting in these situations as they don't come from a bad place but a very good place. I simply said, "No no biting" in a kind voice, only hugging and kissing and that's it. Cassie of course got upset and cried because he got her hard and it did hurt a lot and he got a bit hesitant not understanding the situation.

Biting while in affection is almost harder to deal with I think, as it's because they love you. Biting of frustration is easier to correct as it's about their behavior and we can show them how to handle things instead. Sure you can show them to hug and kiss without biting too, but if you'd say it wrong that no biting and get angry while he is just giving you love is hard for him to understand.

Anyway, I hope that we can make a stop to this right away and not letting it slide by not taking action.


Any good tips and ideas are always helpful and would be very appreciated! If you had a child that was biting, what did you do to stop and prevent further incidents?

Luckily, the love for each other isn't gone! When I was cleaning up the kitchen and were getting everything ready to go outside, I found them like this on the the coffee table. So cute! Maybe not the most comfortable place to lay and hug, but the fact that they did made me so very happy! I almost got a kiss on photo too, but not really because they saw me walking up to them taking the pictures, and then the moment was over..

Motherhood

So so true! Every night I always think of what I could have done better that day. Did I tell them enough today how wonderful and special they are? Did I tell them enough how proud I am of them? Did I praise them enough? Were they happy today? Did they smile and laugh enough? Did we have a good time together? Did I teach them something? Did they feel loved enough? So many questions, one day I hope I will know the answers...

Fruit and Veggie Refuser

No, Isabella's hand is not that small - the blueberries are just enormous! Three berries fills up her whole hand! This is btw her new favorite, she has eaten them many times before, but now they are the first thing that she picks out in a bowl of mixed fruit and berries. She likes all kind of fruit and it's a joy to see her try new kinds and enjoy the different tastes.

This week, blueberries were on sale so that has been the fruit part of the breakfasts. Big hit with my baby girl, not such a hit with my  baby boy though..I keep hoping that it will rub off on Ben, who just doesn't have the interest at all for fruit or veggies for that matter...it's a struggle to get him to even try something.

Not much to do than to keep offering different kinds, one day he'll dare to try something! Keep trying keep trying and in the meanwhile I mix some fruit down in smoothies, sometimes he drinks them, sometimes not.  

Any tips from other moms with "fruit/veggie refusers"?? Or tips from moms with kids that DO eat everything??

I do offer raw, steamed, woked, in gratins, salads, pureed or big pieces just to try out different things and to see if he likes raw better than steamed for instance so it seems to me that I have tried about everything, but...no luck so far but with some broccoli and corn here and there.

Sometimes I can "hide" veggies in pasta sauces and other dishes, but to get him to eat veggies as they are on a plate - no way.

Sometimes it's just so frustrating, as it's such an important part of the daily nutrition that they should eat, but as I can't force him to eat I just hope that he'll "grow into it".

 Pictures Google

Parenting

Just came across this quote, and I think the words are so true - but so hard to teach! Sometimes you don't know how people are on the first glance and one can be fooled many times in a lifetime. I guess the best lesson taught is to set an example. It's up to us as parents to show our children how to treat each other with love and respect, to be kind and caring. Easy? No!. Important to think about - yes always!