The Ride Goes On

Happy New Year!

I want to end this year with a quote that I find very suitable for myself to keep in mind with our big changes coming up in 2015. I wish you all the very best and hope that your New Year's Eve is wonderful and that you get to celebrate with family and friends.

When I'm writing this, in Europe, you just rang in the new year, and here in Arizona, where we have another 8 hours left of 2014, I am about to get the table set a bit festive for our celebration dinner!

I hope that this year will bring health, happiness and lots of love to all of you, family and friends!

Hello June!

Goodbye May - Welcome June!!! Finally it's June! We really have been waiting for this month for a long while now! There is a lot going on as always here in this house, and the time is like always not always there to keep daily updates, but I'm trying to check in here and there.

The beginning of this month will be busy as well, as I'm getting ready for the trip to Sweden! TWO more weeks people! Two more weeks, and we are on a plane. Can't wait.

But before we are going there, we are planning to celebrate the beginning of Summer vacation with a trip to the beach this weekend/beginning of next week. Cassie needs to get a great kick off to her summer break, and as a reward of her wonderful grades, she deserves something special, so we have a surprise for her planned while in San Diego. It will also be nice to spend some quality time together the whole family, as we will be apart for six weeks, as my husband is staying here, and then for another 7 weeks when we come back, when he goes away for training out of State.

We do like our access to the river here, but that's nothing to compare with how we feel about the real beach! We LOVE the beach!! Not so much because of the sun and the heat - we have that more than enough here with a constant temperature now between 42-45C/105-110F. More than enough! We will be happy to go to the beach in San Diego, as it's normally much cooler by the west coast than here! I just looked at the forecast, they have mid 70's now/around 25C! Perfect weather!!

So this week is going to be busy, doctor's appointments every day more or less for checkups for the kids before the trip, other paper works that need to be taken care of, and then of course the packing! I'm not looking forward to that part..

Every Day - A New Beginning

I'm Just Tired Today..

When is one unhappy? When is it more than just being unhappy? When is "it" called something else? Who is the one that makes that call? Where is the limit of what one can take before one is "allowed" to fall? When is it accounted for to ask more in depth on how someone is feeling? When is it alright to blame all the emotions on being "just tired"? When is it alright to admit that one is sad even if it's hard to define sadness? When is it accounted for to actually fill out the forms at the doctors office correctly? What would happen if one filled out all the symptoms and emotions that are asked for? Who would care? Would a couple of pills a day make one happier? I don't know the answer to a lot of these questions. When your life revolves around others and you give from yourself all the time, it's hard to tend to your own needs.

There are so many people with "real" problems, with "real" sicknesses and illness and families that are suffering from all kind of conditions. When I think of that I don't want to complain, I have healthy children - wonderful healthy children, what else am I allowed to ask for?

It's an insult to others with real sorrows to complain about not being happy - so I try not to do so. It's an insult to others with less, to complain that you couldn't take that longed for vacation - when others will stay at home year after year, with no money for family vacations at all - so I try not to complain. It's an insult to others that live most part of the year in a cold weather, to complain about the sun and the heat - so I try to not complain too much about it.

It's easier to just be quiet, than to have to explain and to sometimes make excuses.

It's so much easier to just say "I'm fine, everything is fine". It's better to pull yourself together and put on that smile in the morning and if the smile doesn't reach the eyes....one can just blame it on: I'm just a bit tired..

Playing Catch Up

As some of you might have noticed, I've been pretty absent lately. I'm trying to catch up on my own blog, but the time to read and to comment on all my favorite blogs isn't there right now. There is a lot of things going on right now. Since Easter, Cassie's birthday, kids being sick, myself being sick with a virus and cough from hell, and still not totally recovered, Spring break with plenty of activities, BIG science project to help on over Spring break that was turned in today, there hasn't been much time to spend by the computer.

Believe - that it all will be good in the end..

And there is a LOT more going on in my life right now to put on top of that, a lot of stress with a lot of changes, decisions, hoping, believing, realizations, acknowledgements, excitement, disappointment, sadness ....but more about that later. I still haven't been able to reach everyone that should be notified before reading about it on the blog.....

Just wanted to quick send out a message and say that I haven't forgotten you all, I haven't ignored you or not bothered to comment, I just have no time right now. I hope you all are doing fine and I'll be back..it will just take some time!

To Get Offline

It's been quiet here on the blog. I got off line for a few days. At least, I've been spending very little time online, and not enough to get to the blog. I've been spending more time with the kids outside over the weekend, and the last couple of days have been very busy with other things to do, so there hasn't been too much time for blogging. Sometimes, it's just too much going on, or too much to share, and sometimes it's better not to share at all. When that's the case, it's better to just get offline!

But, we are all fine and are actually planning for a little getaway this weekend, which I'm very much looking forward to. I can't wait to spend away from home, and for the whole family to do something nice together! I'll be trying to get some more updates from the last couple of days in here on the blog maybe tonight or tomorrow, right now, other things are taking up my time!

Emotional Week

The last couple of days there has been a lot going on, and as always when I'm busy, it's less time for the blog, not more than a few important news that I wanted to share with you. Still, on the personal side, it's been pretty emotional, from sadness, anger, and frustration. Then this morning to going from worried to scared and then ending in happiness. Sounding like I've totally lost it now? I can't take it all in one post, it would be way too long, so I'll start with some of the feelings I've felt:

Sad. Lonely. Upset. Frustrated. 

Wednesday, I went to Toddler Time again with the kids. Leaving there, I felt all the earlier mentioned emotions. The things is this, I've tried and tried over months now, to get somewhat close to some of the other moms there. Some are more interesting than others, but who's picky at a point where you don't have any friends right? I've been inviting moms for play dates, taken the initiative to meet up on other days outside of the library and Toddler Time, play dates in the park, to go to the jumping place that the kids love, and to do all sort of things, with very little response. Or, either they can't that day, the next or another day, or they tell me, sure I'll call  you and they never do, or they say maybe next week, and then next week comes around and it never happens. It seems like it's always me that tries to start conversations and that it's only me saying hi and goodbye.

One time I was standing talking to one mom about something and a second mom approaches us, so that I'm in the middle if you understand what I mean (standing in a book isle therefore in a line..). Anyway, the mom to the right then asks and interrupts me and the mom to the left, (are you still following?) if she and her daughter wanted to join her and some of the other ones for lunch. "We're meeting up today again, come and join us, should be fun" - she said. The mom to my left says that she can't but she'll meet up with them next time, and then the mom to my right, says oh well such a shame, looks at me and says -bye! and turns around...I was pretty speechless. I don't think that I've ever felt so excluded..Plus the fact that I've been trying to meet up with these women so long, and they are always busy and always don't have time, and then I hear key words like, meeting up again, next time...but no one didn't even bother to ask if I wanted to come along or invite me to any of these times.

Then back to Wednesday, some of the same moms were back again in Toddler Time. It was a break over Christmas and in January there has been different leaders and a lot of the "old group" haven't been there until now, so this was the first time back to "see everyone again". I was the second person entering the room with my kids, and as Ben ran to sit across the room, I sat down there. When all the others came in, no one sat by me, a short nod/hello if even, and that's it. I hear them talk about, "it was fun last week, my daughter has been wanting to meet up again, she had so much fun last week at X's house"..., "..you are coming to Z's birthday party on Saturday afternoon aren't you...", "...here are the Cd's we were talking about yesterday in the park...".

I tried not to care too much, but clearly it did hurt my feelings a lot. A LOT. Here I've been trying for months to establish some kind of relationship with these women, and they clearly aren't interested in getting to know me or my kids. Is it me? Is it my kids? Is it because I have two? Are we too much trouble to invite?

After class, some of our kids got into reading books, and some moms were checking out books to take home, we all kind of got into talking about potty training and all. Had a pretty nice conversation and for a moment I felt "included" and then two of them left without even saying goodbye to me. Nothing, from talking to turning around walking toward the door, together...Another mom was about to leave, and Isabella and her daughter was still coloring at the table, so we both picked that up and I was getting our stuff ready and she was already walking away, when I called behind her "bye, have a nice week, see you next time" and she just barely turns around to say bye...

How many times should one have to "go to them" when they never "come to you"?

It's so difficult to deal with. I feel so sad and so lonely and I wonder why? I would say that I'm a pretty open person, I take initiative, try to be helpful where I can, trying to go the extra mile for someone, I'm a polite person with good manners, I'm educated and have opinions, which I never force upon anyone else,  and I probably have seen and met more new people over my years of moving around from different countries and places than most people that I know. It's not the first time for me approaching people and trying to make friends. I don't understand what the problem is? My kids are not the problem. They might be acting up here at home throwing tantrums like 2-3 year olds do, but never amongst other people. They are almost shy when it comes to the kids, so there has never been any problems with them playing with other kids there. No hitting, pushing, biting or other habits that I sometimes see from other kids there. I would like to think of myself as "a pretty likeable person", but I clearly must be doing something wrong!?!

- Why is it that it's only me that take initiative and try to get things organized? It would be so great to just be asked by someone, to be included instead of always having to try to be the one to get something started.

- Why is it only me/us that invite people to our house for dinners and play dates and we never get an invite back? It would feel lovely to be invited back for a nice dinner, I always put a lot of effort into making our guests feel welcome, and somehow, even after hearing how lovely the evening was, and even after saying so polite that we have to have you over sometimes, that invite never comes...

- Why is it only me that offer to babysit others kids when they are in need and ask me, but never get the offer back? Even after saying that if you take our kids this next Friday night so that we can go to the movies, and we end up having them for almost 6 hours, when it's supposed to be our turn to go out, and them to baby sit our kids, it doesn't suit their schedule, someone is sick, they are busy, someone has to work..then time goes on and a couple of months go by and you just stop asking..

Or someone else's child that I baby sat many times, and she said that she'll return the favor when I needed help, but meanwhile she's started to work full time, and clearly there is no returning the favor anymore...

I miss having friends. I miss being able to call someone to ask if we should meet up for lunch, to go shopping with, to go for a coffee with somewhere, to catch a movie with and maybe a glass of wine. To go over to eachother's houses to let the kids play while we are talking, laughing and sipping coffee..To have someone to text or call when you have something on your mind, or when you need help with something. Without having to think about 8-9 hours time difference and that people might be sleeping or working. I miss having people in my life to call friends where I live. Not an ocean away..To have in the same town. To be able to see on a regular basis and not years in between..

I miss my friends. My real, best friends.

My friends - that are everything and more that I want in a friend and in a friendship. 
My friends - that give me more support and comfort that I could ever ask for. 
My friends - that love me unconditionally. 
My friends - that I'm so lucky to have in my life. 
My friends - that I'm so blessed to call my best friends. 

My friends - you know who you are - I love you and miss you more than I can say!

Toddler Rules

Friday

Every Friday I see all the comments on Facebook. TGIF, Finally weekend...the endless comments about what everyone makes for special dishes for their families, what snacks they are going to eat and how nice it is to wind down with a glass of wine or beer in front of the TV....

No, I'm not at all ironic or at all sarcastic. Or - maybe a little? It's a normal thing to do, I guess. To long for the two day weekend to come along. To enjoy to the fullest when a week is over. When you work, that is. When you work outside the house, that is. When you have at least a husband that works Monday-Friday and is home all weekends. THEN, I guess you would be able to have some kind of normality and some kind of "weekend feeling". THEN you could start some kind of tradition with special food or special snacks I guess.

I have none. Haven't had a special weekend feeling for the longest time. We don't eat anything special on Friday nights, don't watch anything special on Friday nights, don't brake open a bottle of wine or drink beer on a Friday night. Boooooring! Normality for us. For me.

For me everyday is the same. I'm at work everyday 24/7. The picture above says it all - I'm a mom! :)

Thoughts..

I wish it would be that simple. That easy. It's a wonderful saying and it should be like that. It's not that easy though..

Unfortunately, you can't just tell them that it doesn't matter. You don't have to be rich (even if that always would make things/life easier - not necessarily happier, but certainly easier), but if you don't have enough and can't pay your bills, can't pay your rent, can't put food on the table for your family and provide everything else that is more or less necessary - it's not going to be easy to be happy either...

I teach my children that price does matter. It matters in the sense that it doesn't have to be the most expensive choice. Look for sales, marked down prices and to buy store brands of certain things instead of paying dollars for a special label.

I teach Cassie (and will do the same with the twins when they get older) that a no name brand pair of jeans can be just as good (if not sometimes better) as a brand name. I don't think that "just because everyone else has this or that" we have to get it. I buy a lot of clothes and toys second hand for my children. I buy a lot of clothes on sale. If they are selling out kids clothes in odd sizes, and there is something that we might need but if they don't have their right size, I buy it in a size up, as they eventually will grow into it. I let Cassie help me with garage sales so that she can be part of the process of cleaning out old and selling it, but still get a little something for it.

I teach her to be cautions with the money. To save for the future. I get her to see and be involved when buy more expensive items, so that she can learn that you need to look around, compare, do your research, don't just buy the first best thing. It might turn out to be the worst thing, just because you didn't take the time to compare.

There are so many things that I wish to show them, to prepare them, to guide them and to help them make it easier for themselves in their future. Not letting them stand alone in life not knowing what to do. Sure, you have to let go sometime, but that day, I hope that we will have such a strong bond with our children that they still always will turn to us for advise and guidance.

As a parent I couldn't think of anything worse than not having that bond with my kids, young or old. To always have my children's love, trust and respect - and to show them that they have mine and that I'm there for them no matter what - is my ultimate goal with parenting my children. Only time will tell if I'll succeed.

 Cassandra, Benjamin and Isabella:

Brother & Sister

Jewels

Very true - still I'm so upset that I somehow have lost a necklace. Not just any kind of necklace, but the first one that Chris gave to me a very long time ago. February 14th, 1994 to be exact.

A valentine gift with the engraving "Till min alskade"  on a white gold plaque and with 5 diamonds. Then we didn't' know that one day these 5 diamonds could symbolize the 5 persons in our family. I've been looking for awhile now, and I just can't find it. It's gone, and when thinking about it, I don't think that I've had it on since our move. I used to wear it every day, something that I never took off, but I do know that I took it off in the car when the kids were pulling on it, and that I then put it in the camera bag to know where I had it. After that, I thought that I put it somewhere else and of course it's not in the camera bag.

I'm heartbroken it's gone, and even if it could show up somewhere, I do think that it got lost in the move and the living in the hotels. Today was one of these days where I wanted to wear it, and again went through all my jewelry boxes where it "should" be, but of course was nowhere to be seen.

Time

Found this on a friends Facebook page and I thought it suits perfect after my reflections from my last post and my thoughts about time that is gone. It sums it all up very well! It also leads up to another perfect quote - my absolute favorite quote, that I think is so true. I hope that life still has many breathtaking moments in store for me and my loved ones.

Rainbows

 

 

Motherhood

So so true! Every night I always think of what I could have done better that day. Did I tell them enough today how wonderful and special they are? Did I tell them enough how proud I am of them? Did I praise them enough? Were they happy today? Did they smile and laugh enough? Did we have a good time together? Did I teach them something? Did they feel loved enough? So many questions, one day I hope I will know the answers...

Thankful

Parenting

Just came across this quote, and I think the words are so true - but so hard to teach! Sometimes you don't know how people are on the first glance and one can be fooled many times in a lifetime. I guess the best lesson taught is to set an example. It's up to us as parents to show our children how to treat each other with love and respect, to be kind and caring. Easy? No!. Important to think about - yes always!

No kiss goodnight

I feel bad right now. Cassandra went to bed without getting a good night kiss and hug from me..That hasn't happened many times in her life. The reason for this was that I had to stay with Benjamin again in the guestroom until he fell asleep, and it took forever before he calmed down. When I came out again close to 10pm, she was already gone upstairs to bed. If this would be a "normal" house, I would go upstairs right away to kiss her goodnight and tuck her in, even if she would be sleeping, but as this house isn't built to walk quietly or to sneak upstairs without much noise, I have to pass just in favor of NOT waking Isabella up, who's sleeping really good upstairs. 

Sounds like no big deal, but as she is so hard to put back to sleep when she wakes up of something, I don't want to risk that to happen. I know that Cassandra understands and she knows this, but still, as a mom I feel bad. I so hope for the new house that we'll move in to, that it will have doors, floors and stairs that doesn't crack or make noises with every step...Trust me - I'll try every door and floor out!! Can't wait to find a house, that hasn't happened yet though. I just finished looking online on the new listings of rentals and I wrote a few numbers and addresses down that we'll look at when we get there. It's no reason to call and make arrangements as we don't know for sure what day we'll be arriving in Yuma.

We know that we'll leave here on December 1, next Thursday. That is a scary thought to know that the packers are coming on Monday and Tuesday next week, and that they load everything into the truck on Wednesday and then we'll clean the house. Will stay one night here in town so that we can give back the keys and have the inspection on Thursday and after that we'll be on our way. We will most likely take 3-4 days to travel and it will have to depend on the twins how far we get every day. It takes about 24 hours of driving to get there, and we'll most likely not drive more than 6-7 hours a day with them in the car. We'll also make some stops along the way to try to do some sightseeing except the normal stops of lunch/dinner/gas/restroom/playtime for the twins to move around out of the car seat.

The last couple of days have been spent organizing, calling about all kind of things, from Electricity, Gas, Water etc that needs to be discontinued from next week. Today I've also been to the Hospital and our Dentist to pick up our Medical records. Normally when you move they will send you the records, but as we are a Military Family, we need our records with us at all times. And as we don't have an address yet, it's important to get it printed out and filed and that is something that we'll need to take with us.

Tomorrow Cassie is off school as they have Thanksgiving break, and then Chris and I will be able to get more done in the basement and also start to pack our bags. With two little helpers it's almost impossible to get anything done, and I'm happy that Cassie is such a great help with them. I hope that we can have time for some quality time this weekend with her and not just stress with the move. I already have something in mind that I know that she'd like!

Marriage

Today I read something on Facebook that a friend of mine had posted. She has sadly enough been through a divorce and wish that there would be more that she could have done to save their relationship. I thought it was so sad and still so thoughtful, that I'd share it with you.

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!